Have you ever found yourself reacting to a situation in a way that feels automatic - maybe snapping in frustration, withdrawing when things get tough, or feeling unworthy of love and support? Many of our behaviours, especially in relationships, stem not just from who we are naturally but from what we've learned over time. This is the power of nurture - the influence of caregivers, experiences, and relationships that shape how we see the world, interact with others, and even view ourselves.
Understanding how nurture impacts us is crucial in creating healthier patterns in our relationships and personal lives. The good news? While early experiences can set certain tendencies in motion, they don’t have to define us forever. With awareness and effort, we can rewrite the script.
The Foundation: How Caregivers Shape Us
From the moment we're born, we rely on caregivers for survival, comfort, and emotional security. The ways in which they respond (or don’t respond) create the blueprint for how we understand relationships and our place in them.
Secure and Responsive Care: If a caregiver consistently meets a child's needs - offering comfort, validation, and a safe space - the child learns that the world is predictable and that relationships are a source of support. As adults, they’re more likely to seek out healthy connections and handle conflict with confidence.
Inconsistent or Neglectful Care: When a child's needs are met unpredictably or ignored, they may develop anxious or avoidant tendencies. This can lead to patterns where they either cling too tightly in relationships, fearing abandonment, or pull away, believing they can’t rely on others.
For example, imagine a child who reaches for comfort when they’re scared, but their parent is often distracted or dismissive. That child may grow up believing that their feelings are a burden. As an adult, they might suppress their emotions or struggle to ask for support, even in close relationships.
Beyond Childhood: How Relationships Reinforce Patterns
While early caregivers set the stage, our relationships throughout life continue to shape us. Friendships, romantic relationships, mentors, and even workplace dynamics can either reinforce old patterns or introduce new ones.
Romantic Relationships: If someone grew up feeling unworthy of love, they might enter relationships expecting rejection or overcompensating to “earn” affection. On the flip side, a loving and patient partner can help challenge these fears and create a new sense of security.
Friendships & Community: Having supportive friends who validate emotions and provide encouragement can help reframe negative beliefs picked up in childhood.
Work & Leadership: A boss who encourages growth and recognises effort can shift an employee’s belief in their competence, especially if past experiences involved criticism or feeling unseen.
The Impact of Nurture on Self-Perception
Because much of our self-worth is learned, negative early experiences can lead to deep-seated insecurities. If a child was often criticised, they may grow into an adult who second-guesses themselves, even when they’re capable. If affection was scarce, they may believe they’re “too much” or “not enough” in relationships. However, the brain is adaptable. Just as old experiences shaped self-perception, new experiences can reshape it.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Make Changes
Even if nurture has influenced us in ways that feel limiting, we are not stuck. Change is possible, and it starts with awareness, intention, and practice.
1. Recognise Your Patterns
Take a step back and notice recurring themes in your relationships and self-talk. Ask yourself:
Do I struggle with asking for help or expressing emotions?
Do I avoid conflict at all costs, or do I become overly defensive?
Do I believe I am worthy of love and success, or do I constantly doubt myself?
Awareness is the first step in breaking free from old patterns.
2. Challenge Negative Beliefs
Once you recognise limiting beliefs, question their validity.
If you believe “I’m not good enough,” ask yourself, Where did this belief come from? Is it true, or is it something I learned from past experiences?
If you assume others will leave you, reflect on relationships where people have stayed and supported you.
Replacing negative beliefs with more balanced and compassionate self-talk can gradually shift how you see yourself and others.
3. Seek New Experiences
Healing often comes from experiencing something different than what we expected.
If you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t valued, practice opening up to a trusted friend or therapist and see that emotional expression can be met with care.
If you learned to be overly self-reliant, allow yourself to ask for and receive help, even in small ways.
Over time, positive experiences can overwrite old conditioning.
4. Cultivate Supportive Relationships
Surrounding yourself with people who see your worth and treat you with kindness can be transformational. Look for relationships that encourage:
Open communication
Emotional safety
Mutual respect
Growth and support
If past experiences make healthy relationships feel foreign, couples counselling Brisbane Southside can be a great space to explore these dynamics and practice new ways of relating.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Recognising the role of nurture can help us extend compassion to ourselves. Instead of blaming yourself for struggles, acknowledge that many of your behaviours were shaped by past experiences -but they don’t have to define your future.
When you catch yourself being self-critical, try speaking to yourself as you would a close friend. “It makes sense that I feel this way, given what I’ve been through, but I am capable of change.”
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Stuck
While nurture plays a powerful role in shaping us, we are not trapped by our past experiences. With awareness, new experiences, and self-compassion, we can create healthier relationships, build a stronger sense of self, and step into a more fulfilling life. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step is a movement toward growth and healing.
If you recognise patterns from your past that are holding you back, counselling Redlands or online counselling Australia can be a great space to explore, heal, and rewrite the story. You are worthy of change, love, and a life that feels truly your own.
Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association and works with both adults and couples impacted from trauma, anxiety, chronic illness, depression and relationship issues, including affairs and betrayals.
She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals, Couples & Families (EFT), Gottman Couples Method Therapy, including Affair & Trauma Recovery And Certification in Clinical Trauma.